Aggressive Whimsy

Mornings are the most important part of the day, mostly because they involve breakfast. Mornings are for leisure; a way of infusing a bit of the weekend into each day you have to go out and earn your keep. As such, make sure you have at least two hours set aside before work to brew coffee, eat a full breakfast, skim the NY Times headlines (blog reading is for work hours) and style your bangs properly. Breakfast is the most important meal in the whimsical lifestyle. After you leave the house, you’re probably only going to eat macarons and candy and Izze juice, so it is imperative that you pack your nutrients into your morning meal.

• If you don’t drink caffeine, Sleepy Time tea is totally OK to drink in the morning.
• Shower first and put your hair in curlers. Put on a robe and walk around with an oversize mug and pretend you’re a Golden Girl.
• Have a meaningful conversation with your boyf/hubs over whole-wheat strawberry pancakes.
• English muffins must only be topped with butter, marmalade or lemon curd.
• Make use of your tea cup collection and drink whole milk from them.
• Pugs need breakfast too!
• A muffin is not a meal — put an egg on it.
• Never rush in the morning. Rushing is the number one culprit behind needing mental health days.

Real sports are boring and not whimsical, except maybe baseball because they get to wear knee socks and knickers. Here are some AggWhim-approved activities for burning off all that cake:

• champagne for breakfast and shopping
• hula-hooping and/or tightrope walking
• the parachute game
• bicycle polo
• foosball league at the Irish bar around the corner
• croquet
• following the guy you have a crush on
• walking over bridges
• miniature golf
• mini-horse rides

h/t Erica and James for their contributions

“According to an eyewitness on the plane, the 62-year-old Depardieu appeared visibly drunk and tried to get up before take-off, telling a stewardess ‘Je veux pisser’ repeatedly. The stewardess told Depardieu that he would have to wait 15 minutes until the ‘fasten seatbelt’ sign went off, at which point Depardieu, ‘with courtesy,’ stood up and peed on the floor. ‘We could see he had been drinking. The stewardess was dumbfounded. No-one said anything,’ reported the passenger. After the performance, Depardieu sat back down, and the plane returned to its gate, where the airport crew spent two hours cleaning up the mess.”

(via DP via Gothamist)

Movies are hella whimsical. We can quote them to boost our cultural capital, internalize their unrealistic social ideals and use them as inspiration for decorating our homes:

• Must have snacks are cherry Coke, gummy bears (Haribo ONLY), medium popcorn with cheese flavoring powder and/or the kid-size nacho pack;
• Stay away from most R-rated movies unless they are from France, Italy or Sweden (more boobs, less violence);
• Wear a sweater cape to combat the chill when the air conditioner kicks in;
• Insist on holding hands with your date through the entire movie;
• Squeal during your favorite preview; 
• Stare at the people around you in the dark during uncomfortable parts;
• Judge each lady’s outfit in the bathroom after the movie and determine if they like their date or not;
• Ineptly flirt with the teenager at the box office;
• Hum along to every song you know on the soundtrack;
• Vlog your review when you get home, including an interpretive dance (so Miranda July!).

Money is uncomfortable, but sometimes it smells nice and you need it to buy all your crafting supplies and candy.

• never, ever use the ATM. always go inside and wait in line for a teller.
• dress up when you have to go to the bank. it makes you feel like you’re in a Hitchcock film.
• when withdrawing cash, always ask for fifty-dollar bills.
• sign your withdrawal slips in jelly pen.
• slip notes to the teller to brighten their day.
• wink at the security guard.
• order brightly-colored checks.

You must love food if you are to be truly whimsical. Food is not just for eating: it can be played with, made into art and is perfect for wrapping in baker’s twine and gifting. Grocery stores also make great playgrounds!

• only shop at locally-owned grocery stores, Whole Foods or the farmers market
• stare at the neatly stacked cans of cat food and appreciate the beauty in the design of the Fancy Feast label and OMG HELLA BRIGHT COLORS
• stick your hand in all the grains and beans in the bulk section and pretend that you are Amelie
• smell a peach while staring at the cute cashier with a Dali mustache 
• dance in the frozen foods section
• buy a baguette and carry it under your arm like a French lady
• arrange heirloom tomatoes into a face
• talk to the lady giving out samples of hummus for fifteen minutes
• stock up on whimsical beverages
• covet the aprons the clerks get to wear
• always remember to bring a canvas bag from your collection
• sleep through the farmers market because really, weekends are just so hard.

Public transportation has enough whimsical potential to fit your every mood:

• stare at your reflection in the punch out emergency glass windows (make sure those bangs are straight!)
• sit squished between two obese and/or slumbering people during rush hour and look adorably sad
• dance like everyone is watching on an empty subway car
• make anime bedroom eyes at the hipster boy writing terrible poetry in his Moleskine/Field Notes across from you
• get felt up by a mildly retarded, mouth-breathing Chinese guy and write a short story about it for your blog
• smile at old people
• put heart stickers on the back of the seats
• keep your sunglasses on, stare at one person the entire ride and try to figure out their life story (a/k/a get your Miranda July on)

“Over the moon” is a charming and whimsical phrase used to express joy during major life moments and other, equally important achievements, such as:

• pregnancy announcements
• the first time your fetus kicks
• when your fetus reaches the size of an avocado
• posting a perfect maternity outfit pic
• getting engaged
• your younger brother’s graduation from high school
• the grand opening of a frozen yogurt/macaron/bubble tea/crepe shop around the corner from your apartment
• adopting a new kitten
• getting the last sprinkled donut at the coffee shop
• spilling glitter all over your dining room table and inadvertently creating a whimsical photo opportunity
• the weekend

With an iPhone and the push of a couple buttons, you can share with the world your precisely edited and whimsical life. Here’s a get-started guide to acceptable subjects for your amateur photography:

• pastries and lattes
• macarons
• cats and dogs
• stencil art
• gum stuck to the sidewalk
• your feet in new shoes or directly after a pedicure
• the guy you’re dating, but only if he wears Warby Parkers
• cloud formations
• homeless people smiling
• stationery
• carefully staged scenes of domestic whimsy, esp. involving tea parties, the Sunday Times, picnics and stacks of books you’re never going to read

In the whimsical life, beverages are full of endless possibilities for self-expression. One can be nostalgic, indulgent, child-like or European. This first installment explores child-like and nostalgic whimsical bevvies:

• Capri Sun
• Sunny D
• Fruitopia
• organic chocolate milk in a box
• milk and five tablespoons of Nesquik
• Juicy Juice
• Jones sodas
• Ovaltine
• melted ice cream